The St. Roger's Passion: A Pink Floyd Oratorio

An oratorio scenario inspired by Pink Floyd.
by Paul J. Pelkonen 
(with apologies to Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Nick Mason)

Lo there is no dark side of the moon. Art by Paul Klee, Hipgnosis and Gerald Scarfe.
Dark Side of the Moon symbol © 1973 EMI Records

So today I was talking to a friend who is singing at the Kennedy Center tonight. She referred to it as singing "at the KC". I said, "Oh, you're singing King Crimson?" because I'm a smartass.

She said, "no the Kennedy Center. I'm singing about sheep."

It is to her I'd like to dedicate this little holiday offering, a completely made up outline for

New Horizons in American Opera: I Cugini

A new opera based on hit MTV reality show Jersey Shore.

This vintage postcard shows the boardwalk in Keansburg, NJ.

In recent years, modern American opera has drawn from the news, from popular literature, and from the movies. Now, we present the first opera inspired by a cable reality show. The opera is I cugini (The Cousins) based on the wacky adventures of America's favorite reality stars. Any similarities between the plot and a certain show on MTV networks is purely coincidental and done in the interest of parody.

Written by composer Lucca Pastafagiole and librettist I. Nesistenti, I Cugini follows the romantic misadventures of four would-be celebrities in Seaside Heights, a resort beach town located in New Jersey. The opera will have its premiere on Feb. 30, 2012 at the Boardwalk Mall in Wildwood, NJ.

Cast of characters:

Paolo D, an unemployed goldsmith: Tenor.

Nicola, (known as "Snooki") an unemployed hairdresser. Soprano.

Michele, (called "Il Situazione") a former male stripper, now in barber college. Baritone.

Ginevra Urca, ("JWow") a wanton. Mezzo-soprano.

Giovanni Bongiovi, a karaoke singer. Tenor.

Act I: The boardwalk in Seaside Heights, NJ. In the background, Nicola's beach house.

Paolo D, an unemployed goldsmith, has fallen madly in love wih Nicola, a young woman who lives in a large house in the beach community of Seaside Heights.  He appears on the board-walk outside her beach house as dawn breaks over the Atlantic Ocean. Paolo sings her a serenade: "Di l'altezza del Mar."

Enter Michele, a student at the local barber college. He sings of his skill at hooking up his friends: "Io sono la Situazione." As he sings, Michele does a slow strip-tease down to his Dolce & Gabanna briefs. In the aria's cabaletta, he quickly puts his warm-up suit back on.

Paolo enlists Michele's help to get him into the house in order to score with the Nicola. He agrees to work in exchange for a gift card from Century 21. (Duet: "Credito illimitato.") Nicola enters and sings an aria from the pool deck of the house: "Mi chiamano Snooki." Paolo sings a reprise of his serenade. She tosses down a piece of paper with her Skype ID and they sing a long passionate duet. A patrolman arrests Paolo for loitering. He sings "Nessuno sa la fatica che ho visto."

Act II: A ballroom aboard a cruise ship anchored off the shore.

Nicola is out a party on an off-shore cruise ship: the Orrizonte degli Eventi. The chorus sings a rousing drinking song "Facciamo tutti ottenere martellato." Nicola finds herself in a booth with Michele. She asks him about Paolo. They exit to discuss him further--and make out.

Bongiovi, a karaoke singer  steps onto the dance floor and sings a power ballad: "Voluto, vive o morto." He follows with a cabaletta: "Vi darà l'amore di una cattiva reputazione."

Paolo enters, drunk. He meets Ginevra Urca, his former girlfriend. The lights dim and music slows in the club and they dance together. Just then, Nicola enters, recognizing Ginevra. The two of them have a clawing catfight as the men, embarrassed try to lead the crowd in a reprise of the drinking song as the girls fall into the water, still fighting.

Act III: The abandoned amusement park.

Michele waits for Nicola in front of an abandoned roller coaster. He sings an aria. She enters, and tells him she is leaving him for Paolo. He swears vengeance in an aria: "Io vado a calci nel culo."

She urges him to remember their past love "Sotto il lungomare." The scene shifts back to the previous summer, and the amusement park suddenly becomes operational. The lovers are paired off, Ginevra with Paolo, Michele with Nicola. An elaborate ballet is staged as the boards of the stage start to glow like a disco floor, and the whole cast does "The Hustle."

Act IV: Inside the beach house.

Morning. The orchestra evokes the sun rising over the sea. Paolo, Nicola, Ginevra and Michele wake up in the master bedroom, having all slept in the same bed. A comic quartet "Che cosa diavolo è successo?" starts, with each cast member trying to reconstruct the events of the night before. Suddenly the back walls part and a television crew is revealed, having filmed their exploits. The crew sings a chorus "Che cosa è la realtà." The walls close again.

The characters decide to all live in the house. Bongiovi enters, and they sign a contract for a new television reality show. In the opera's finale, Michele leads off a comic fugue: "Assicurati di vederci ogni settimana." Nicola sings of her love for both men and that she will be able to pay off the beach house. Paolo sings of his new job driving the beach tram. "Guarda il tram per favore." The curtain falls on a massive pillow fight.

"Machine" Set to Occupy Zuccotti Park

Multi-million-dollar stage equipment comes to lower Manhattan.

The Metropolitan Opera and the Mayor's office have come up with a plan to cut the costs of the company's troubled production of Wagner's Ring. At the same time, the city will solve the problems posed by Occupy Wall Street, the two-month-old protest movement in Zuccotti Park.

The City has arranged to borrow the "Machine" set, which has been used (up until now) for the Ring. The 45-ton set, which has been in storage at the Metropolitan Opera House since the last run of Siegfried, will be transported to lower Manhattan and set up at Zuccotti Park for eight weeks.

Designed by director Robert Lepage, the "Machine" is a sophisticated device, consisting of two dozen mechanical planks that spin around a central axis by computer control.  During the operas, the planks are repeatedly reconfigured to create a projection surface for computer graphics, meant to represent the rivers, mountains, and castles of Wagner's mythological dramas. 

In its new role, the huge 45-ton contraption will be set up in Zuccotti Park, the private recreational space owned by Brookfield Properties. Its mechanical planks will be set to "spin" mode, and used to literally and permanently sweep the park clear of protestors, pedestrians, and other undesirable types.

Starting on November 31, the city will embark on its Phase II plans for the park. This includes the opening of Zukotay!, a holiday-themed entertainment set on the site of the former Occupy Wall Street encampment. With help from a 12k Lumen Projector mounted on the nearby Joie de Vivre sculpture, the Machine will be used to project falling snow, magnificent mountain vistas and even the festive visual of a burning Yule log. 

"We plan to make this a family-friendly entertainment vector where there used to be homelessness and drumming." said Cirque du Poivre representative Alvin Tamias. "Passers-by and hard-working Wall Street professionals will be able to enjoy the show before being suddenly whacked in the head with a large plank."

The contraption will remain in round-the-clock operation at Zuccotti Park through the Christmas shopping season until Jan. 18. Then it will be returned to the Met to begin rehearsals for Götterdämmerung, the final chapter of Wagner's Ring opening on Jan. 27. Addressing concerns from local residents about the noise made by continually spinning planks, Mr. Tamias said: "We've been assured that the Machine's operation is whisper-quiet."

Deputy police commissioner Michael J. Czech claimed that this is a breakthrough in law enforcement. "Forget the L-Rad Sound Cannon," Mr. Czech crowed to the press. "This is the future of law enforcement--huge permanent technological structures that can keep a plaza free of protestors or occupiers with minimal expenditure on manpower and per diem, the expense of sending flak jackets to the dry cleaners."

Mechanical Resonance

Metropolitan Opera Unveils Latest Hi-Tech Robot Initiative.
by Paul J. Pelkonen

Introducing the Met's new concertmaster, Toyota's Cyrex-5.

The Metropolitan Opera continues to push new technological boundaries with its new staging of Wagner's Ring. Its latest investment: robot musicians.

The Verdi-Otello-Crisco™ Joke

We present a classic anecdote of the opera, which I first read in The Rough Guide To Opera, an excellent referential guide to all things pertaining to the maddest of the fine arts. We are proud to give you....


(not brought to you by Crisco, a product of the J.M. Smucker Co.)