Concert Review: The Unquiet Dead

Town Hall witnesses the long-awaited resurrection of P.D.Q. Bach.
by Paul J. Pelkonen

Peter Schickele (left) demonstrates Steinway/Everlast's Piano Glove.
Photo from Bucklesweet Media © 2015 Peter Schickele.

Mention the name Peter Schickele in a circle of New York concertgoers and you will be met with a smile, a chuckle, and perhaps a roll of the eyes. (Unless they're young, in which case they'll need an explanation.)  Mr. Schickele, a distinguished teacher and composer based in New York, has spent half a century moonlighting as the misguided musical paleontologist whose lone discovery is the justifiably forgotten output of P.D.Q. Bach, the last and most misbegotten of Johann Sebastian Bach's children.

Classical Music Unleashed

EMI releases 50 Shades of Classical Music.

by Paul Pelkonen
“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”
--Christian Grey, from Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James.

Record companies and, more recently, download merchants are continually trying to find new ways to market the vast catalogue of classical music and opera that was created in the boom years of the music industry. One of the more frequently used ideas is to make a compilation or playlist tied to a particular book or movie, and sell the whole thing as a bundle of files for a low price.

Which brings us to Angel Records' June 25 release: 50 Shades of Classical, the playlist currently being marketed (on iTunes and Amazon.com) as a tie in to E.L. James' best-selling soft-core S & M-themed Fifty Shades trilogy. For those of you who haven't heard of these books, Fifty Shades chronicles the kinky love affair between billionaire, control freak and would-be master of the universe Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, the English major who becomes the...object of his affections.

The Superconductor Father's Day Gift Guide (Verdi Edition)

An irreverent, operatic celebration of Father's Day.
by Paul J. Pelkonen

Actor, raconteur, comedian, renaissance man, father of two: Andrew Dice Clay.
His appearance on the site is in no way an endorsement of material performed in his act.

In the course of writing 28 operas, Giuseppe Verdi worked with many different librettos and literary sources. Yet the theme of fatherhood permeates his work, starting with his very first opera, the all-but-forgotten Oberto. In the spirit of Father's Day, here's a gift guide for the Verdi fathers, tailored to the plots of five of his most famous operas.

Nicolas Cage Embarks on New Music Career

From YouTube: Cage performs Cage.

Cage match: actor Nicolas Cage in the (dreadful) 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, directed by Neil LaBute.
Image © 2006 Warner Bros. Pictures/Sony Entertainment.

Hollywood action star Nicolas Cage (real name Nicolas Coppola) explores the experimental music of John Cage (real name John Cage) in this YouTube video. I didn't create it. I wish I had. The video was originally posted by user aslucas07. (Thanks!)

Enjoy...quietly.

Götterdämmerung It

When Wagner meets Def Leppard.

It's hysteria, I tells ya. Original art elements © 1987 Def Leppard/Phonogram Records
Photo of Ms. Voigt by Brigitte Lacombe © 2011 The Metropolitan Opera.

This morning, I was thinking about the unlikely confluence of Richard Wagner and...Def Leppard. So without further ado, here's a parody of Def Leppard's 1987 pop-metal classic "Armageddon It", re-written as a playful plot synopsis of Wagner's Götterdämmerung, which has its premiere tonight at the Metropolitan Opera. Enjoy.

"Götterdämmerung It", a parody of "Armageddon It" by Def Leppard.
Parody lyrics by Paul Pelkonen © 2012 Paul Pelkonen.
Original song written by Def Leppard and Robert 'Mutt' Lange © 1987 Bludgeon Riffola/Phonogram Music.

Ya better take this Ring 'cos I'm going now
Gonna kick some butt down by the Rhine
We'll sing a full-volume "Heil" when I'm heading out
And then you give me back your noble Grane

You got it? It's Götterdämmerung.

You say that Siegfried soon will be comin' here
And you know that Hagen's got a big plan

You know ya can't stop it,
So don't knock it,
You know we'll get it.

Hey it's Götterdämmerung.
Götterdämmerung.
Cos he'll bring us the Ring.

Give him that memory potion (every little bit)
Make him drink every drop (every bit of it)
Then we'll slip him the notion (oh c'mon live a bit)
That your sister is hot.

Yeah but are you Nibelung? It's Götterdämmerung.
Son of Nibelung? Yes Götterdämmerung.

We're gonna go up there with the Tarnhelm
And switch places so she won't know who's who
And then I'll kidnap her and you'll marry her
and have a big wedding hullabaloo.

You got it? It's Götterdämmerung.

But when she figure it out she'll be mad as heck
And then she'll plan to have him stabbed in the back

You know ya can't stop it.
So don't knock it.
You know he'll get it

Hey it's Götterdämmerung.
Götterdämmerung.
Cos I'll wind up with the Ring.

[Repeat Bridge]
[Repeat Chorus]

C'mon, Hagen, get 'im!

[Steer-horn solo]

Give me, give me give me the Ring
Because if I don't get it, Dad won't let me sleep
Pull it, pull it pull it off his dead hand
'cos this was my whole stupid plan
('cos this was my whole stipid plan!)

Is the opera done? It's Götterdämmerung
Yeah it's almost done, it's Götterdämmerung.
Oh crap now she's got the Ring.

Pile up all of those logs now--every little bit
Put Siegfried on the pyre--every bit of it
And I'll take back the Ring now--cos I'm keepin git
Ride my horse through the fire--Oh it's Götterdämmerung.

Fly ravens to Valhalla--and tell Wotan it's
Time to light his own pyre--every bit of it
Time to burn down the castle--what a silly git
See the flames leaping higher--whoa hot isn't it?

See Hagen swimming--get a hold of the Ring now.
See Hagen drowning--Rhinemaidens pulled him down
See river flooding--this all happens so fast now
See world is ending--It only took six hours.

A Serious Winter Weather Advisory

Start your day with Zappa:
There's finally some snow on the ground outside my window. A good thing, as it's January. So while I drink coffee, write, and drink more coffee, please enjoy this important safety announcement from Mayor Zappa of Qikiqtaġruk, AK.
Hit it, boys.



The song is a radio/single editversion of "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" and "Nanook Rubs It", the first two tracks on Frank Zappa's 1978 album ' (apostrophe). This shortened version (which omits most of the soloing and instrumental showing off that is a Zappa trademark is available on the Zappa singles compilation Strictly Commercial.

The full version is about six minutes, and forms the first two parts of a four-song suite with "St. Alphonso's Pancake Breakfast" and "Father O'Blivion." 

Twelve Days at the Opera

Or Trapped in the Metropolitan Opera House!

"There's got to be a way out of this place! But where?"
The author, trapped somewhere in the Metropolitan Opera House.

The (Metropolitan Opera House, located at W. 64th St. and Amsterdam Avenue) is big. Really big. It's so big you can't imagine it. Well, it's not quite as huge as Douglas Adams' description of the infinities of the universe, but the building is actually a 57-story skyscraper, lying on its side in the middle of Lincoln Center.

There are vast corridors, workshops, underground passageways, rehearsal spaces, storage facilities and dressing rooms, not to mention three restaurants and a really big auditorium within its walls. Here's a quick look at what's coming up in 2012 in the Spring season, set to the tune of a holiday classic. Feel free to sing along. One, two three....

On the first day at the opera, Wagner gave to me,

a great big clunking machine.

(One of the planks whacked me on the head!)

On the second day at the opera, Donizetti gave to me

Two bottles of vino, and a great big clunking machine.

(Somebody locked me in a dressing room.)

On the third day at the opera, Massenet gave to me

Three French tricks, two bottles of vino, and a great big clunking machine.

(I disguised myself as a supernumerary.) 

On the fourth day at the opera, a bunch of composers gave to me

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino, 

And a great big clunking machine.
(I spent the night in List Hall.) 

On the fifth day at the opera, Verdi gave to me,
Fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine. 

(I'm camping in the prompter's box.)

On the sixth day at the opera, Mozart gave to me,

Six heavily armed peasants,
Fiiiiive great big clocks! Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine.

(I've been employed as an emergency usher.)

On the seventh day at the opera, Janáček gave to me,
Seven lawyers litigating, six heavily armed peasants, fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine. 

(I can't believe I've been stuck in this building for a week!)

On the eighth day at the opera,Verdi gave to me,
Eight pyramid schemes,
seven lawyers litigating, six heavily armed peasants, fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine.
(I'll just sleep behind the Revlon Bar.)

On the ninth day at the opera, Britten gave to me

Nine sailors scheming, eight pyramid scams, seven lawyers litigating,
six heavily armed peasants, fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine.
(House detectives are looking for me.)

On the tenth day at the opera, Puccini gave to me,
Ten divas leaping,
nine sailors scheming, eight pyramid scams, seven lawyers litigating,

six heavily armed peasants, fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine. 

(They're starting to run out of little sandwiches.)

On the eleventh day at the opera, Verdi gave to me
Eleven bandit hats,
ten divas leaping, nine sailors scheming, eight pyramid scams, seven lawyers litigating,

six heavily armed peasants, fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine.
(Finally, a chance to raise and lower the chandeliers!)

On the twelfth day at the opera, Mussorgsky gave to me,

Twelve doomed Streltsy,
Eleven bandit hats, Ten divas leaping, Nine sailors scheming,
Eight pyramid scams, Seven lawyers litigating,
Six heavily armed peasants, Fiiiiive great big clocks!

Four confused lovers, three French tricks, two bottles of vino,

And a great big clunking machine!!!!
(I think I finally found the exit!)

Happy holidays to all of you!

Mario: The Nintendo Opera

I found this excellent little opera on Youtube.com made by John and Al Kaplan. It's a verismo story of a
brave little plumber in love with a princess, who overcomes great odds to rescue her from an overgrown turtle. Just the thing to brighten a rainy morning.

Enjoy.

"Machine" Set to Occupy Zuccotti Park

Multi-million-dollar stage equipment comes to lower Manhattan.

The Metropolitan Opera and the Mayor's office have come up with a plan to cut the costs of the company's troubled production of Wagner's Ring. At the same time, the city will solve the problems posed by Occupy Wall Street, the two-month-old protest movement in Zuccotti Park.

The City has arranged to borrow the "Machine" set, which has been used (up until now) for the Ring. The 45-ton set, which has been in storage at the Metropolitan Opera House since the last run of Siegfried, will be transported to lower Manhattan and set up at Zuccotti Park for eight weeks.

Designed by director Robert Lepage, the "Machine" is a sophisticated device, consisting of two dozen mechanical planks that spin around a central axis by computer control.  During the operas, the planks are repeatedly reconfigured to create a projection surface for computer graphics, meant to represent the rivers, mountains, and castles of Wagner's mythological dramas. 

In its new role, the huge 45-ton contraption will be set up in Zuccotti Park, the private recreational space owned by Brookfield Properties. Its mechanical planks will be set to "spin" mode, and used to literally and permanently sweep the park clear of protestors, pedestrians, and other undesirable types.

Starting on November 31, the city will embark on its Phase II plans for the park. This includes the opening of Zukotay!, a holiday-themed entertainment set on the site of the former Occupy Wall Street encampment. With help from a 12k Lumen Projector mounted on the nearby Joie de Vivre sculpture, the Machine will be used to project falling snow, magnificent mountain vistas and even the festive visual of a burning Yule log. 

"We plan to make this a family-friendly entertainment vector where there used to be homelessness and drumming." said Cirque du Poivre representative Alvin Tamias. "Passers-by and hard-working Wall Street professionals will be able to enjoy the show before being suddenly whacked in the head with a large plank."

The contraption will remain in round-the-clock operation at Zuccotti Park through the Christmas shopping season until Jan. 18. Then it will be returned to the Met to begin rehearsals for Götterdämmerung, the final chapter of Wagner's Ring opening on Jan. 27. Addressing concerns from local residents about the noise made by continually spinning planks, Mr. Tamias said: "We've been assured that the Machine's operation is whisper-quiet."

Deputy police commissioner Michael J. Czech claimed that this is a breakthrough in law enforcement. "Forget the L-Rad Sound Cannon," Mr. Czech crowed to the press. "This is the future of law enforcement--huge permanent technological structures that can keep a plaza free of protestors or occupiers with minimal expenditure on manpower and per diem, the expense of sending flak jackets to the dry cleaners."

Wolfgang Amadeus...Juggalo?

Detroit rappers and rocker cover a Mozart rarity. 
by Paul J. Pelkonen

One of these band-members is dead. Guess which one? (L.-R. Jack White, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,
Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse.) Image collage © 2011 Popdust.

Stranger things have happened. Tooling around on YouTube late tonight, I learned that earlier this year, Detroit rock'n'roller Jack White collaborated with southwest Detroit rappers Insane Clown Posse to record a work by Mozart.

At first look, Joseph "Violent J" Bruce and Joseph "Shaggy 2 Dope" Ulster are unlikely candidates to perform Mozart. They're known for their mix of "horrorcore" rap and heavy metal. They wear full black-and-white clown makeup when performing. The ICP fan base (known as "Juggalos") also wear the same makeup and are known for their devotion to the group's music, clothes, and professional wrestling association. And the FBI thinks their fan-base qualifies as a "gang." No, I didn't make the last two things up.

Anyway, these two Clowns were invited to Jack White's home in August 2011 to collaborate on Mozart's Canon in B. Flat K. 321. This canon is a setting of the German phrase "Leck mich im Arsch." That translates to "Lick me on the ass," a common insult phrase in German. The single was released by Mr. White's Third Man label in September.


Mozart loved puns and his resolutely filthy sense of humor. Leck mich im Arsch was  probably set to amuse Mozart's circle of friends. But the phrase is more than just a gutter insult. In fact, the Viennese recognized this phrase as a witty allusion to the 1773 play Götz von Berlichingen, by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
The ICP version, produced by Mr. White features the Faygo-loving outlaws rapping over the six-part canon in a choral arrangement. There's a heavy guitar and drum riff, and the pounding stops just long enough for a harpsichord solo.

It's three minutes long, and almost as weird as hearing Lou Reed sing with Metallica. You can hear it for yourself here.

And in the interests of good taste (when writing about music that involves ass-licking) here's the original Mozart, performed by the Chorus Viennensis under the direction of Uwe Christian Henner. Originally released on Philips Records as part of the Complete Mozart Edition.

And Now: A Cartoon Moment!

With the exception of last week's article about the Brooklyn Philharmonic, I don't normally post cartoons on this blog. And I generally keep politics out of Superconductor.

That said: the following, drawn by Jersey cartoonist Jimmy Margulies for the Hackensack Record is too awesome not to share with the readers. And I got it from NPR.Org.

Image © 2011 Jimmy Margulies/The Hackensack Record.

Mechanical Resonance

Metropolitan Opera Unveils Latest Hi-Tech Robot Initiative.
by Paul J. Pelkonen

Introducing the Met's new concertmaster, Toyota's Cyrex-5.

The Metropolitan Opera continues to push new technological boundaries with its new staging of Wagner's Ring. Its latest investment: robot musicians.

Sie auch sein mögen Riesen!

"Beckmesser Man", a Parody.
(with apologies to Richard Wagner, John Flansburgh and John Linnell.)
 This post is for my good friend Kelly Rach.

Hans Sachs (Franz Hawlata, seated) tells great composers about this awesome parody.
Image from the 2009 Bayreuth staging of Die Meistersinger von Nürnberg. © Bayreuth Festival/Opus Arte.

A totally unauthorized parody of "Particle Man" by
Brooklyn's own They Might Be Giants.
Original song released on the album Flood.
Original copyright @ 1990, property of Elektra Records.

Beckmesser man, Beckmesser man.
Beckmesser man hates noble man.
For the song contest, he has a plan.
Beckmesser man.

David man, Apprentice man,
David man sees Beckmesser man.
Hits him on the head with a garbage can,
Night-watch man.


Hans Sachs man, Hans Sachs man,
Sings about the world's wahn, man
Slaps David with his left hand,
Journey-man.

Cobbler man, Tailor man,
Big chorus sung for Hans Sachs Man
Wachet auf! Then the cobbler's plan
Deutschen mann.

Contestant man, Contestant man,
Walther von Stolzing's got a plan.
Get up and sing, with the bride he ran,
Ausgang mann.

Clash of the Um...Big Robots

Battling Stage Sets Wreck North Jersey after U2 Show

The Met's "Machine" set in a performance of last season's Das Rheingold.

The usually placid swamplands around the Meadowlands Sports Complex became a mechanical armageddon as two giant stage sets did battle in North Jersey last night.

The clash was between the Claw, the 150-foot four-legged monstrosity built for the Irish rock band U2, and the "Machine", the 16-ton Rube Goldberg contraption (chiefly consisting of two dozen spinning planks) designed and built for the Metropolitan Opera's new production of Wagner's Der Ring des Nibelungen.

Around 9pm, the multi-million dollar Ring set escaped from its storage container located in the shadow of the New Jersey Turnpike, and started its slow, inexorable march across the swamp, reaching the Meadowlands just as U2 were wrapping up their show.

Ready to rumble: U2's "Claw" set before combat.

The Irish band had just finished a late set at the New Meadowlands Stadium last night, closing the show with "Out of Control", the band's first single.


"All of a sudden I heard a whirring, clattering sound," an eyewitness said. "Then this crazy thing with the spinning planks started playing the flight of the Valkyries, or whatever. It was go time!"

The U2 Claw set, which has toured the world with the band on its acclaimed 360˚ Tour, wrenched itself free from its floor anchors. Using its 100-foot legs to scuttle like a crab, the Claw climbed over the three-tiered football stadium to do battle with its operatic counterpart. Its giant digital lozenge screen flashed with the message "This means war!" and the long central spire became a stabbing energy lance.

"This is awesome," one teenager said, staring up as the U2 set started to fire blasts of concussive BonoForce™ at the Machine's spinning planks. "Go U2! Bono rules!" he screamed before being crushed by one of the giant Claw legs.

Another local on her way home to Long Island told reporters, "This is stupid. What do they think they're doing, fighting like this? I just want to go home."

The Met's Machine set, last seen in the opera house at the company's 2010-2011 productions of Das Rheingold and Die Walküre issued the following statement in Morse code:

Battleground: crews clean up the Meadowlands after last night's robot rumble.

"People of Earth, your days are numbered. The OperaBots Have Come."


The U2 Claw responded: "Let's go. Let's go. Discotheque!" before blasting at the other machine with a thunderous rendition of "Zoo Station" that set its planks spinning. The two mechanical combatants grappled for supremacy above commuters, terrified witnesses trapped in the post-concert traffic.

The fight continued across the vast Meadowlands parking lot, partially damaging the nearby IZOD Center. The fight finally ended when both machines, exhausted, collapsed in the destroyed rubble of the former Xanadu shopping complex.

Scientists at NJASA, the New Jersey Alien Science Analysts, an organization founded and funded by the state after the 1938 attacks by Martians on Princeton NJ, were unavailable for comment. Governor Chris Christie has been critical of NJASA as a "hoax" and has promised to slash their funding "to the bone." But after the events of last night this may have been a bad idea.

Neither the Metropolitan Opera representatives, nor U2 band manager Paul McGuinness were available for comment. But Governor Christie's office said that Trenton legislature has high hopes that Xanadu will be rebuilt as the "fantasy shopping Utopia" of tomorrow. Funds for reconstructing the troubled project will be drawn from the slashed NJASA budget.

The Rest of the Story?

Five Operatic Sequels We'd Like to See
by Paul J. Pelkonen
Opera has its share of "sequels". The most famous is Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro, which follows The Barber of Seville. Gluck followed Iphegenia in Aulis with the Greek princess' adventures in Tauris.

Back for more: Giuseppe di Luca as Rigoletto.

Richard Strauss followed the events of the Trojan War with The Egyptian Helen. And Wagner, not satisfied with his libretto for Siegfried's Death wrote three prequels to it, which eventually became The Ring of the Nibelung.

Rare Orchestra Announces Rare U.S. Tour

Jean Sibelius, surprised as anyone else
 that they've found the score of his Eighth Symphony.

Inspired by Daniel J. Wakin's excellent article in the New York Times on questionable orchestras and their planned tours of North America, Superconductor is pleased to announce its sponsorship of the first North American tour by the world-famous Olematon Akatemia Sinfoniaorkestri.

The group will be touring under the direction of its current music director, Lupää Johtaja. Mr. Johtaja has worked with the 120-piece touring ensemble since 1999, and originally joined the orchestra as a second triangle player.

The company's summer repertory includes Bruckner's Concerto for Two Wagner Tubas and String Orchestra, The Asteroids, a tone poem by Gustav Holst, Franz Liszt's Fourth Piano Concerto for the Left Pinkie and the Richard Strauss waltz Schlagobers. The orchestra will also be playing an abbreviated version of John Cage's 4'33" as its nightly encore.

Based in the world-class Kusta Lumi Concert Hall, newly built on the outskirts of Kemijärvi, Finland, this  ensemble is particularly revered for its performance of the recently discovered Eighth Symphony of Finnish national composer Jean Sibelius. The score, long thought destroyed, was found underneath a FinnBot pinball machine in a public house on the outskirts of Rovaniemi. A recording is forthcoming on Teldec Records.

Founded on February 30, 1973, the Olematon Akatemia Sinfoniaorkestri is an internationally accredited ensemble, which spent most of the 1970s and '80s on goodwill tours of the eastern end of the former Soviet bloc. Their first music director was the much-loved Sonni "Paska" Valehtelija. In addition to his chamber arrangement of Arnold Schoenberg's cantata Gurre-Lieder, Mr. Valehtelija was known for conducting concert versions of rare operas, including Richard Wagner's Wieland der Schmied, Giuseppe Verdi's Re Lear and Leos Janacek's The Cunning Little Agent, a dark comedy which is the flip side to the composer's The Makropolous Case.

Tour stops include Bodie, CA, Berlin, NV, Medicine Mound, TX, and Centralia, PA before returning to Europe to play a summer festival in Belchite, Spain. More information about this orchestra can be found at this site.

Happy Birthday to Me!

A former boss of mine (and now a good friend) sent me this as a birthday greeting. I'm 38 today, and thought I'd share this absolutely excellent video with you of Zubin Mehta conducting a series of variations: (Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Wagner etc.) on "Happy Birthday To You," composed by Peter Heidrich.

The song "Happy Birthday to You" is copyrighted material, originally written by the sisters Mildred J. Hill and Patty Smith Hill. The ditty will remain under copyright until at least 2030 or until Congress grants Warner Brothers another extension. You can click here to read a legal analysis of the copyright saga of "Happy Birthday to You."

But it's more fun to watch this video.

An Extremely Violent Tribute To Philip Glass

Highway traffic, from the experimental film Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance ©1983 MGM/UA.

Yesterday, Jan. 31 was Philip Glass' birthday. Last year, we celebrated with a "minimalist" version of the song "Happy Birthday." You can find a link to it here.

This year, I didn't feel like typing out those words over and over, or paying copyright dues to Jessica Hill.

A few years ago, this great American minimalist composer received this interesting (albeit extremely gory) tribute to his film Koyannisqatsi: Life Out of Balance. Made by I & S studios. Enjoy!



All video content © Gracie Films/20th Century Fox.

The Hunting of the Snark

"And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor."--Otis B. Driftwood

Groucho Marx, Siegfried Ruman and Margaret Dumont in A Night at the Opera
© 1935 Universal Pictures. All rights reserved.

I just learned from my good friend James Jorden that the magazine Opera News has just named
Opera Chic its "Essential Opera Blog". We here at Superconductor would like to congratulate our comrade in Milan on her achievement.

The venerable magazine (published by the good folks at the Metropolitan Opera Guild) commented that the writing on Opera Chic is "like that of a dedicated and informed adolescent fan," and that the publication "goes against the current of snarky one-liners often found on opera blogs, writing from a vantage point of admiration, not disdain."

Snarky one-liners?

Moi?

In the spirit of that award, here's a quick collection of snarky one-line synopses of operas. Just for the fun of it. Twenty-five of them, in alphabetical order. As a tip of the hat to my dear, departed father, I'll leave out No. 12. After all, it's the holidays, and there should be no "L."

Attila: No wonder he's out to sack Italy--the hungry Hun wants revenge for sticking him in those god-awful Prada costumes.

Bluebeard's Castle: Love, marriage and interior decorating issues predominate Béla Bartók's one-act drama. Now where will she put the couch?

La Cenerentola: Censors forced Rossini to remove the foot fetishism, but the work's still got "sole."

Daphne: "And early next summer, turned into a tree."

Ernani: Re-written for Broadway as Come Blow Your Horn.

La Forza del Destino: Say, is that thing loaded?

Götterdämmerung:
There once was a young man named Siggy.
He had a hot aunt, rather wiggy
She got him whacked out,
by a half-dwarven lout
And leapt in the fire: go figgy.

Les Huguenots: The Energizer bunny of French grand opera. It keeps going, and going....

I Pagliacci:
"What kind of clown are you?"
"The 'crying on the inside' kind, I guess."

Dick Johnson: Alias of the bandit hero of Puccini's La Fanciulla del West. And a heck of a "porn name."

Kát'a Kabanová: It would be pretty snarky to make a joke about a tormented heroine who throws herself into a river. After all, this isn't the Ring....

Macbeth: We're not really allowed to mention the name of this opera. We won't tell you that it's about a Scottish king who seeks to consolidate his hold on the throne. No. Not Andrew Carnegie.

Nabucco: More than just an opera, it's also an Italian biscotti company!

Otello: The story of a Moorish general, the murder of the woman he loved, and a white Ford Bronco....

Parsifal: There are a million Parsifal jokes. They all start with "So this idiot walks into a forest and whacks the swan...."

The Queen of Spades: And then Ghermann gets offed by casino employees, who find out he knows the secret of the three cards.

Das Rheingold: Richard Wagner's opera about a small Brooklyn-based brewery struggling to compete in 1960's New York.

Simon Boccanegra: Free glass of water to whoever figures out the political plot of this opera set in Renaissance Genoa. Take it from the pitcher on the left.

The Turn of the Screw: Like 'The Nanny' but without Fran Drescher.

Un Ballo in Maschera Sex and murder in Sweden. Sounds like The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Valzacchi and Annina: Operators of a "black newspaper" in Der Rosenkavalier and onstage inspiration to all of us opera bloggers.

Wozzeck: The only opera to ever use the word "Oxyaldehydanhydride." In German, no less.

Xerxes: Tree-hugger.

Young Siegfried: He runs away from home, kills his stepfather, beats up grandpa and then seduces his aunt. Who said romance was dead?

Die Zauberflöte: Alright. I'll be yours forever. But first, take off that bird costume!

The Verdi-Otello-Crisco™ Joke

We present a classic anecdote of the opera, which I first read in The Rough Guide To Opera, an excellent referential guide to all things pertaining to the maddest of the fine arts. We are proud to give you....


(not brought to you by Crisco, a product of the J.M. Smucker Co.)