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Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Snark Goes Hollywood

"I was just thinking what an interesting concept it is to eliminate the writer from the artistic process. If we could just get rid of these actors and directors, maybe we've got something here."
--Griffin Mill, from The Player
Cynthia Stevenson and Tim Robbins in a scene from The Player.
© 1992 Avenue Pictures Productions, Spelling Entertainment
So I'm watching a new DVD of Strauss' Elektra (review to follow) and I get an idea for a follow-up to last month's The Hunting Of the Snark. Which is:

What if operas were pitched as Hollywood movies?

Think of it. Don LaFontaine's orotund tones starting with "In a world, where Gods and Giants walk the earth...."

Or something to that effect.

Anyway, these are the worst movie titles, and least relevant taglines I could think of, if our favorite operas were run through the Hollywood meat grinder. Any resemblance to actual movie poster taglines is purely coincidental, and done in the nature of satire.


Movie Title: The Memphis Betrayal
Poster Tag-line "His Woman. His Country. His Fate."

Billy Budd
Movie Title: Master and Commander 2: The Sailor's Fate
Poster Tag-line "Death waits upon the waves."

Movie Title: The Faded Flower of Fate
Poster Tag-line: "Sometimes, the bull wins."

Don Giovanni
Movie Title: Giovanni & Zerlina & Masetto & Elvira & Anna & Ottavio & Leporello
Poster Tag-line: "Explore the catalogue of love."

Movie Title: So My Brother's an Axe Murderer
Poster Tag-line "Revenge: served cold."

Movie Title: The Damned
Poster Tag-line: "Because good is dumb."

The Great Gatsby
Movie Title: Under the Red, White, and Blue
Poster Tag-line: "An all-American success story. From the novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald."

Les Huguenots
Movie Title: The Massacre 
Poster Tag-line: "A Story Too Big to Fit On a Poster!"

Movie Title: The Conductor's Wife
Poster Tag-line: "A sex comedy on skis."

Movie Title: The River's Bank
Poster Tag-line: "A daughter. Her mother. A family scandal."

Movie Title: Episide III: Revenge of the Romanovs
Poster Tag-line: "An Emperor Rises To Power."

Movie Title: The Swan Who Loved Me
Poster Tag-line: The original man with no name.

Die Meistersinger von Nürenberg
Movie Title: Noble Without a Cause
Poster Tag-line "If the shoe fits, sing it!"

The Nose
Movie Title: The Schnozz
Poster Tag-line "Nothing runs like a nose."

Orfeo ed Euridice
Movie Title: Descent
Poster Tag-line "Music heals your soul. But can it bring you back?"

Le Prophéte
Movie Title: The Girl, The Priest, The Innkeeper and His Mother
Poster Tag-line: "The conspiracy is real. The fuse is lit."

A Quiet Place
Movie Title: Trouble in Tahiti II: Junior's Revenge
Poster Tag-line: "A family comedy about sex, death, and madness."

Der Rosenkavalier
Movie Title: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Vienna.
Poster Tag-line: He came to wiveth wealthily...in Vienna. A comedy by the team that brought you Elektra.

Movie Title: Fearless Fred And The Treasure of Doom
Poster Tag-line: "The sword. The dwarf. The dragon."

Tristan und Isolde
Movie Title: Knights of Passion
Poster Tag-line: "Marriage isn't everything."

Utopia Ltd.
Movie Title: How To Succeed in Government Without Really Trying
Poster Tag-line: "From the composer who brought you Baby Got Back".

Der Vampyr
Movie Title: It Bites
Poster Tag-line: "It hunts. It strikes. It sucks."

La Wally
Movie Title: Avalanche!
Poster Tag-line: "Feel the chill. Blast the zone. Take on the mountain!"

Movie Title: 299
Poster Tag-line: "What happened before 300."

Yevgeny Onegin
Movie Title: The Duellists
Poster Tag-line "One shot can cause heartbreak."

Die Zwerg
Movie Title: The Princess' Gift
Poster Tag-line: "Explore the Mystery. Unwrap the Magic. Unleash the Terror."
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Critical Thinking in the Cheap Seats

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Since 2007, Superconductor has grown from an occasional concert or CD review to a near-daily publication covering classical music, opera and the arts in and around NYC, with excursions to Boston, Philadelphia, and upstate NY. I am a freelance writer living and working in Brooklyn NY. And no, I'm not a conductor.